Jan 1, 2017

The pain my body feels reminds me that I am alive. I’ve been so shut down since my father died because it just seems easier that way. It’s like I’m storing all the memories inside my brain and in my heart, with no opportunity to share them.  Most the time, I want to scream and yell; maybe hit a wall or throw my cell phone but thank goodness I stop and remember the repercussions. A broken hand isn’t worth it, and a cell phone isn’t cheap.

March 2 2017

Dear Dad,

You never finish telling me your story. There is still so much I want to know. I’m not really sure I can do this life without you and your guidance. I’m not ready.

May 1, 2017

I need a minute. I just need a minute to figure out how my heart is going to beat without my father’s heart.

Just give me a minute.

June 17th 2017

As the plane descends, that familiar surreal feeling has returned.  This will most likely be the last time I come back to the D.C. Metropolitan area.  It all feels so final.  Well, I suppose it should, since it is final. This little white house with the red door, has been “home” since 1974 and I will say goodbye on Sunday evening.

It feels like I’m erasing my parents. I mean, it is all final not that it feels all final.  I am bidding the city of Rockville, goodbye.

We are about to land and I’m staring out at the bright lights. I bite my lip to stop the tears from appearing in the corners of my eyes.  I’m not worried about my make-up smudging but afraid if I let the tears come now, I will fall apart.  And that is something I haven’t allowed myself to do since my dad died, and my mom went to live the rest of her life in a nursing home in MA.  Powerless.  That is my word, right  now.

Kinda lonely not having anyone to call and say I’ve landed safely. Usually, it would be mom and she would always be at the door waiting for me to pull up.  But, I said that already, didn’t I?  I guess that feeling of missing, won’t ever go away.